God shows us stuff in the little things.

Talk about bad news. My husband's job is very slow. So slow they may lay him off. Only worked 2 days this week. If he gets laid off the would have us lose our insurance. Even if I get the surgery, I would not have insurance for my follow-ups and more over our meds without Kaiser are get this about $3000/month. YIKES.So of course that kinda depressed me yesterday. No job no $$ for bills or selfish me no money for the 50th party I've been so looking forward to. But God!!Darling Hubby's been painting my foyer for the last week. Long story. Wrong color. Changed it now it;s all better. But I have an area that really needed an extra something. Since I paint murals, I just thought I'd whip out my paint kit and put something up there. But what. I tried bricks, antiquing the wall etc. But nothing worked. I was so depressed I just lost my creativity. I know better. I know that depression is a lie of the devil, making us feel defeated. So I did talk to God about how I felt. That I had no business letting what I see with my earthly eyes get to me. I serve the God of Job. I serve the God of Moses and Abraham. The God that can do anything. And I know that my little life is important to HIM.So this morining I have an ephiany!! Use the gold metallic paint to paint leaves. It worked!!! It looks beautiful. And then I knew that everything would be alright. God showed me in that little moment. That even my little wall was important to Him, if it was important to me.I know somehow it will all work out and I will get my surgery and be just fine!!!

Here's an Ephiany I nearly missed!!

So I'm getting ready for church. Grant it some people don't understand why its so important for me to look my best in public, after all I am the FAT chick. But for me I don't want to stand out as the sloppy fat chick or the fat chick with no style. I haven't given into being fat. I have accepted it but not given in to it. So, as I'm getting dressed for church, find my top which is usually the problem for me. Carefully select the top and the pants or skirt will be easy. Well yesterday I selected a top I love, It's black and gray and white. and of course no print or florals........ every fat chicks worst enemy!! So then I grab my black slacks, I bought them in Feb. and they fit fine then. But on me they looked horrible. They were too big. So I grabbed the gray slack which I purchased the same time, same basic pant - different color. And for some odd reason they didn't fit either. I was late and this was ticking me off. I grabed a black skirt. and it looked awful with that top. Minutes later my closet looked like hurricane "Faye" had struck. I finally reached for the last skirt hanging, a gray skirt that I hadn't worn in forever because it was too tight. It fit finally!!! Ieft the house in a huff cuz now I was late.You're thinking, if it's such a problem then why not get your stuff ready the night before, right. Well I have a good answer for that! It's 2 fold. I don't know if really dare share my deep dark secret..... okay because we're friends here goes. Hello, my name is Faye and I'm an emotional dresser. Whew there I said it! I dress emotionally. What I feel I look good in at night my not be how I feel in the morning. So rather than do it twice I just wait. And the other reason is things don't fit the same from night to day. I don't know why that is, it just is.In all of that I didn't stop to notice the positive. Some things are just too big. Dang! I missed it!! I didn't get to enjoy the moment because I was so stressed on what to wear!!! How wrong was I? How sad is that? I get what I've been waiting for and miss the whole point.

I See A Light....

on July 28, 2008 11:46 am
At the end of the tunnel there is a small flicker. I can see it now. I couldn't see that until this morning when I weighed in at my GOAL!!! Early this morning my son, told me "Mom, did you get on the scale yet" I said, " no, not yet. I'll do it later'He said: "Mom you just woke up and you know you lose weight when you sleep, you should check".What he thinks is that the sleeping makes you lose weight, because the morning weight is always lower.So when I finally got on and saw that wonderful ( who'd a thunk 241 could be so wonderful to me) number I yelled out to him, praised God and jumped around all with in 1 second. He came calmin down the stairs and hugged me and said "see, I told you".I am so looking forward to getting a serious handle on my weight. I am so looking forward to watching the lbs drop quickly!!

I still haven't grasp the cigar!!

You know that old saying "close but no cigar"? That's me and my goal. I get so close to it then poof in an instant it again escapes me. I really gotta get on this and push past it. So I can have some breathing room. There are minutes when I feel dang I've lost kind of a lot of weight and there are days when I feel fatter than ever, like bloated with out being bloated. But I'm learning an important lesson, when I feel bloated, I don't necessarily weigh more, nor is it when I feel all thin, do I necessarily weigh more. Funny how that works, not humorous but peculiar.Several months ago. I walked into a clothing store and a woman came up to me and told me that I'd be thin, the Lord showed her that. She encouraged me to have faith in what God would do. I did!!! It's been sitting in my closet ever since. She told me be brave and go for a smaller size, the size I'd like to be and don't limit God. But I picked a size 16! Now I giggle when I think that no longer will statisfy me. I mean it would but my expecations are now higher. Or should I say smaller. hee hee!!I'm so excited I have wanted my entry to our house painted along with the Loft and the halls. Finally to day we began. I can't really help DH on this project my left shoulder has been hurting, no it's not what you think, it's an ongoing arthertic problem. Anyway I will try to help him on Saturday. The area is huge!!! It's gonna take a few days. Poor guy works so darn hard. He doesn't seem to mind, but I do. He's a wonderful, Father, provider and Husband , in EVERY way. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful, godly man.

The silence can be deafening!!

I didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and prayed about what I'm about to do. Not that I think I'm making a mistake. Not at all. I know for me this is sooo important. But about my vanity! Yeah. One thing that's driving me now is my stomach. It looks so bad. I've been fat all of my life. I'm used to it. But in the last few years I have grown a belly. I used to be able to hide it, but not anymore. It's there for all the world to see. See I told you I was vaine.Anyway. I pray constantly that God will give me the grace and the wisdom to accept the body that I will soon have. I really don't recommend this surgery for the young. It's too drastic, you have such a long life ahead and you don't want to spend it with a re-wired metabolism. That's my perspective. As I've said a hundred times I'm gonna be 50 ( now in just a few short weeks). My skin is not what it used to be. I can see the effects of the years of carrying this weight very obviously now. My wirnkled arms are sad. My hands although they are very skinny, dang near boney, they are the hands of an elderly woman. My inner thighs cry out for some support. Why does this bother me now when it never did before?Were my feelings hidden? Is it that the 50 is screaming so loudly that I can't just ignore it? Or is it simply that I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I have no rose colored glasses to view it with? Is the reality of looking old coming too quick to suddenly?Whatever the reason. I thank God daily for giving me this opportunity to make a long awaited and important change. I know this will be good for me. I want to be on the loosers bench so bad I can taste it!