Progress seems to be the hardest word.: Having a "poor me" moment

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Having a "poor me" moment

I can't believe I gained 2 lbs... - so my total loss is at 9lbs ( was at 13) which means I am now 20 lbs from goal If you've read all my blogs i messed up in lbs needed to be gone!! Nonetheless!!! I have been swamped at work putting out little fires and getting so behind I don't take a break so I don't walk and don't drink enough so it's all my fault. Just sick of the drama want it over now!!! I'm so tired! I wanna be insulin free NOW!! Yeah I did this to myself and in order for WLS to be successful I gotta do the drama. Just needed to VENT!!!

Why?

How it all started
I guess it all started when I was young (since I was NEVER small). Daddy would stop on his way home from work since Momma didn’t drive and ask her what she might have needed from the store. Inevitably he’d ask me the same. He’d stop at K.C. Market in Kalihi Valley, we lived in Hawaii so all of my requests may sound strange to you but the “locals” will remember. I’d usually ask for one or more of the following: Ice Cake, Seeds, Soda, Candy or Won Ton Chips. And he’d buy me one or all I’d asked for. That was our relationship, he wasn’t affectionate at all but he’d buy me the world if he could. He never realized he was creating a FAT monster.

What did I weigh?
I really never weighed myself, why? I knew I was fat! Everyone reminded me constantly! I do remember once being 10yrs old and getting on a scale somewhere and seeing 110lbs. My Mother and Aunt made a huge deal about it so I rarely got on it again. I know I had to have but I must have blocked it out. The next time I remember weighing myself I was 20yrs old, the first week of my first marriage. This was the most devastating “scale event” I can remember. I weighed in at a whoping 235lbs! If that wasn’t enough to depress the heck out of me it was blabbed to the entire house. Long sad story the short version: the embarrassment nearly killed me.

Years into that “marriage” I noticed I had grown substantially, I was tipping the scale at 298 (probably more than that but I’d already started dieting). I was still in my 20’s and felt like an old woman!
As time went on I found out I had become a diabetic, which sadly didn’t phase me one bit. I knew it, hated it and ignored it until the deterioration began to show. My A1C which is basically a 90 day average of your blood sugars was at 12, normal is 6, at 13 your body begins to shut down. Then it was in the forefront of my mind day in and day out but not enough to make real changes. Later I found out that I was now hypertensive. I developed arthritis in my neck, lower back, knees and an unidentified pain in my right ankle. This was quite painful but intermittent. In 2007 my doctor compared my then 48 yr. old body to a 80-90 yr. old. That year I developed Fibromyalgia. I never really accepted it, but I had the symptoms and the “pressure point pain”. I refused that one; it was too debilitating and I had no time to lie in bed every day. The only good lab result I’d had was that my cholesterol was always under 150!

The Miracle
January ’06 I was suffering from lots of palpitations and chest pain. I wound up in the hospital they ran a series of tests. One of which was the Isotope Stress Test. I couldn’t walk the treadmill so I opted for nuclear medicine. No one told me this at the time but the test showed I had 50% blockages on 3 of 4 arteries. I was in real trouble and I knew it. The day after the test I had a severe chest pain, called my nurse he ran out of the room to get me some nitroglycerine. While he was gone, my hospital phone rang. I debated whether or not to answer but I did. It was my then Choir Director calling to check on me. I remember his voice so clear Hi Faye how are you doing mija? I was a little choked up as I said, not good, the nurse went to get some meds I’m in a lot of pain. He asked if he could pray for me, of course I said yes, I was terrified. He said a short prayer and hung up. By then the pain was gone. The nurse came back with the nitro and had the Dr. order a Nitro patch. Two days later I was transported to have an angiogram done the EMT asked why I was being transported as polite conversation. My response “they’re just checking, but I think it’s just stress”. He quickly stopped me and said “I’ll check for you but they don’t call us for just stress”. After reviewing my records he told me the test results and they were sending to confirm their findings. I cried my eyes out. I was all alone, my husband was following the ambulance I could see him in his truck behind us but couldn’t tell him what I’d found out.
During the Angiogram I was totally awake. I was told I’d be out! I heard the whole thing everything they did, the puncture of my artery the blood running down my leg. I heard them talking “right side okay, let’s check the left”. They stopped my heart that was scary. When it was over the Doctor came to where my head was and said, “All clear” we found NO blockages. I cried out “Thank You Jesus!” I know it was God. That prayer from my Choir Director was just what I needed when I needed it. That was my miracle, no one will ever change my mind about that!

A Slap In The Face
You’d think after that I’d have gotten a clue. NOPE! For a while I did take extra good care of myself but that too passed. Then in February 2008 it happened again. I was walking up the stairs to bed after a day of feeling horrible. I could hardly get up the stairs. Imagine running for your life but you can’t run any more. That’s kinda how it felt. I was so scared I thought for sure this is the night I die. My chest hurt, bad, my heart was pounding, I was crying but I refused to tell my husband. He was asleep. I changed, it took forever it seemed, changing my clothes was so hard getting the bra off was nearly impossible. I tried to carefully slip into bed. As I laid there silently crying out to God to forgive me and don’t let me die, my son needed me, my husband heard me. When he asked what was wrong? I burst into tears. He rushed me to the hospital. They didn’t find anything wrong but couldn’t manage to stop the pain either. That was it! I needed to really do something! Dang I was gonna be 50 this year and had not done one thing to improve my quality of life. I needed to lose weight fast!

What should I do?
In 2006 I considered Bariatric Surgery. Entered the program at Kaiser and was approved. I needed to lose 10% of my weight to qualify. I can tell you all the things that went wrong and there were many but the bottom line the time was just not right. I couldn’t lose the weight among other things. I had no will power and was looking for a way to be thin that didn’t take work. I soon gave up the idea. When I became ill in 2008 that was it! I needed to do something NOW! So I reentered the program and this time everything was different. My reason, my goal, my dire need! They told me I’d have to start over. The standard 18 month process only took 7 months. The Orientation appointment that was scheduled for the end of the month was moved up to the 1st of the month. And so on and so forth. I was in surgery by 10/1/2008.

Not the EASY way out after all
Everyone and everything I read told me this was a tool, not an easy way out. I write this blog to let you know that is true. This was NOT the easy way. As you read about my journey, know that for me this involved a lot of prayer and trust in God.

Progress seems to be the hardest word.

About Me

Blog Archive

Followers

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Having a "poor me" moment

Why?

Progress seems to be the hardest word.

About Me

Blog Archive

Subscribe To This Blog = href="http://feedvalidator.org.li.sabren.com/check.cgi?url">

Followers

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Having a "poor me" moment

Why?